HOW TO DROP OUT OF FUTO EFFECTIVELY (Revised Standard Male Version)

The university is a tough place. Trust me. It comes with a freedom that is unequaled by any other. There are two ways to that: The good part is that you can while away your time in university, last last, your parents will sell a piece of land and get you a wife; the bad part is that you can make proper plans for your future before graduation.The best part about dropping out of school in Nigeria is that it decreases your chances of getting a job by 90%! Wonderful!

To help you with the good part, here are some ways you can drop out of school and still become a BILLIONAIRE:

Do not be prepared for Lectures:

 Attending lectures is perhaps the most unexciting activity in the entire world. In fact the president of one big African country is good example of how successful one can be in life without a University certificate. So do not be prepared for lectures.

It can be underwhelming to come to class and be able to complete notes. You know some of these lecturers talk fast, some mumble (or get off topic). So it is best not to look at the course outline and find out what the lecturer is lecturing on that particular day and take notes prior to the class, so you will be overwhelmed with copying everything on class days.

Social Media is Key:

Do not limit yourself on social media.  Facebook, Twitter, Whatsapp,  Snapchat, Instagram and other internet sites  are the real deal. You have to do those things, a lot. Do not, I repeat, do not concentrate on your studies first. Maybe if you have free time, you study.  You are in University (Mahadum) so you should mara hadum!

Assignments Suck:

Do not submit assignments. This is very important to dropping out of school and making it big. When a lecturer gives assignments (they give a lot of them remember), do not mind them at all. If you feel like stressing yourself a little, just submit an empty sheet of paper. Miracles still happen. Like the one you have heard about that did same and the lecturer put two question marks (??) on the script and later filled the score as 77! Isn’t that a miracle?

A friend with weed is a friend indeed:

Another good method is by smoking weed. A lot of it!  Among other things, it helps you imagine how the world would be without school. You can add some Codeine or Tramadol for increased ability for Wishful thinking.  You know this one already so I’ll just move to the next method.

Life is a gamble, don’t stop gambling:

You remember there is always a story about a friend of another friend who won millions of naira on football betting. (It doesn’t matter the exact amount, just put any figure you wish.) You know God works in mysterious ways and who knows, you might just be the next jackpot winner. So keep betting.  You can just get a sure game and stake your house- rent or school fees. God alone knows which hospital ward you will end up in. Don’t forget to remember me when you certainly do.

If you want to apply the religious method, here’s how;

You know Monday is bible study and then Tuesday is counseling. Mid-week service holds every Wednesday and Thursday is evangelism. Don’t forget Friday prayers- you know we wrestle not against flesh and blood…. The sanctuary has to be put in order for Sunday service. Pay your tithes as at when dues.  Don’t bother reading at all; grace is sufficient…even in the exam hall!

If perhaps you cannot cope with that one. Here’s a better clue:

You can constantly lurk around the female hostels in the evenings. You can even extend your tentacles to the other tertiary institutions around. Who knows, you might find your missing rib(s). If you can’t afford Sunic fast food or Eismann fries, take her to the nearest buka. Don’t bother asking her about her favourite food because you already know its shawarma. Whatever the heck happens after this point is all of your business and none of mine!

Better still, if you cannot afford the method above--probably because of either the cost or the responsibility, or both-- here’s a better way.

There a places outside school (there are always such places outside schools) where your physical needs are met at your own expenses. Such places abound around school. All you need do is put your eyes to the ground. There, you don’t need to send recharge cards or buy shawarma(s). What you pay is what you get. Did I say there’s premium service too? – Importation!

If after all these you are yet to decide which is best suitable to you, I’ll make a last ditch attempt offer some help:

You can employ the use of some amount of liquid mixed with a solid particle and help your ministry, if none of those is readily available; saliva is a worthy friend in such need.

Just like king Solomon said; whatever your right hand finds to do, do it diligently.

When you abide by these instructions, you wouldn’t even realize when you would have dropped out of school effectively.

You can add your own method in the comment section.